A fame whoring review – The best of 2012

An epic year for Prsten and what they do best, “fame whoring”. When your boring, your skills are limited to blinks, lip biting, brooding and a monotone voice it could be easy to forget you. Fear not there is Prsten, Robsten and fuckery. So as we look at the past year, what has been your favourite Prsten moment? You can’t pick them being on a film set because neither of them have been anywhere near one. Here is the epicness one month at a time:
Jan – Bob won at the PCA’s and showed off his head lice hair cut and his best date evah Betty White. Hecklerspray warn us “oh-no-robert-pattinson-to-make-rubbish-music-on-new-album.” God help us all. Talk about  KS and the lead in Akira turns to nothing. Unbound Captives resurfaces and disappears, (“coughs” Mission Blacklist “coughs”)  BA has its first fan showings in Belgium and talks of Oscars begins. Cronenberg tells us Bob is a good actor.
Feb – Throughout this month VIP exits disappeared with the fairies and unicorns. Paris fashion week led to full fame whoring. KS flips off in front of Ladgerfield and Bob gets to escort his snowflake to look at all the fashion, make up and hairspray. Paul Mc Cartney prays he never has to endure a conversation with them again. Paul is about peace and speaks English. Robsten is about dudes and “like fuckin like, can you feel like dude its crazy.” Oscar parties with the C list begin. KS plays peek a boo with the paps in a hedge and Bob shagz her on the carpet. Oh right he doesn’t. Berlin Premier of Bel Ami. Dire reviews. Bob is called bovine. Good news for the US you can watch it on pay per view. KS fame whore friends release a “private pic” of Robsten. Bob is smiling. Oh right he isn’t but KS is. Cronenberg tells us Bob is a  very good actor.
March –  Tons of fame whoring concerts. Bel Ami hits cinemas in the UK and then promptly leaves quicker than a jack rabbit on crack. FatPatz arrives on Malibu beach and looks like he needs a defibrillator as he runs towards the paps, who were invited.  Tons of paddle boarding photos are released but unfortunately we get Zefron semi naked on a balcony and Bob just looks doughy. Cronenberg tells us Bob is a very, very good actor.
April – BD 2 reshoots . Very very private moments at Coachella, airports and we meet Skaterboy who too is photographed for the occasion. Bob needs an assistant because he is busy working. Oh right he’s not. Cronenberg tells us Bob is a very, very, very good actor .(yawning now)
May  – Cannes.  Parades with his girlfriend who we now know is into suckin someone else off and getting munched on like Sunday brunch in a mini cooper nonetheless. PDA for paps . Bobs duck of shame. KS gets booed, gets into gingers and she hates us all ya know. Robsten tells the planet they have given up smoking as this is very, very, very, very important. Oh right it isn’t. Bobs Birthday. Spent in England where his girlfriend is doing promo for Swath, donating ladybugs to her director in front of the media and is suckin him off behind closed doors whilst Bob, practices on his skateboard,  wearing his new birthday outfit. There are rumours his carer got fired this day.  Cronenberg tells us Bob is a very, very, very, very good actor. (Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz)
June – A very private wedding is made very public by Robsten. SWATH premier, where Bob continues to play supportive boy friend. KS performance is slated. Apparently there is a problem with her English accent as in she sounds like she is from LA.  June 15th COSMO is released in UK – Word of walk outs begin, lots of them. Released in other countries. Global walk outs. Cronenberg tells us Bob is a very, very, very, very, very good actor good actor.(Banging head on table)
July– Comic Con. Bob tells the planet people are walking out of COSMO and its cool (moron). MTV interview with the trinity. Taylor looks like he would like to slap them both.  MTV awards. KS is caught publically cheating. She is cheating with someone married who has two young children. Trampire and Rupsten are born. Will Farell is completely devastated because there is no love like theirs! Cronenberg tells us Bob is a very, very, very, very, very, very  good actor good actor. (Poking my eyes out)
August – Promo for COSMO, tons of it. Bob garners sympathy whilst eating ice cream as the heart-broken boyfriend. (LIAR). COSMO bombs on ticket sales and walk outs are tweeted. Trampire surfaces for the paps as Cali disappears.(Wash, Rinse and Repeat)  Bob gets a job playing  Lawrence of Arabia, this is not a comedy . Bill C (I have been selling Robsten for the past year)  suggests that, “now it’s time that some of that respect be returned to them.” WANKER.  Cronenberg tells us Bob is a very, very, very, very, very, very, very,  good  actor who was cheap and available.

Sept –  Prsten begins again. OTR gets a Premier and guess what “they’re going to be fine!” The world can now rest because the epic couple is going to be FINE!
Oct – Rumours begin Bob is going to sell perfume. Fuckery for BD begins. Bob photographed forgiving his Bella with tea and towel. His man card is revoked. Henry Cavill’s man card is upgraded to platinum. The audience now realises they have been duped.  Date nights continue with claw hands, group Halloween masks and Prince Concerts.  Australia BD2 premier where very few turn up. Bob looks like he forgot to brush his hair and wash his face. Rumors Balenciaga dumped her ass as Nicholas is fired for hiring the skank moves on to new and better things.
Nov – Paps, Robsten and fuckery are in full force now. Breaking Dawn 2  premiers,  press and now we sell Dog babies. Dog babies are very, very, very important. Oh right there not. Bob dresses and looks like Kermit. Dior and Gucci both win their respective bets. KS, now embodies her Trampire look wearing practically nothing. Reviews are dire. OTR has more and more and more  premiers  yet still no one wants to see  it. Pool boy and Ho spend Thanksgiving in England with his parents cooking turkey and singing Kum ba yah, as all of England celebrates Thanksgiving, oh right it is an American holiday but that is just a minor detail. And of course any mother would welcome the tramp that publically cheated on their son into their home, it is a dream come true!
Dec – Robsten is in hiding because we all know you are only seen when you WANT to be seen, no they are not true ninjas. Ho White goes to NYC for the 847589345893 premier of OTR which opens less than Cosmopolis did back in August. But she will get Oscar nominated because you know she is the best actress of our generation *vomit* Oh but krisbians have heart failure because the SAG’s pass her up as does the GG’s. They prefer to nominate a real actress, Jennifer Lawrence. Ho White leaves NYC and pool boy then heads to NYC for a secret commercial/photo shoot that no one has any idea what it is for or if it will ever come to light. Rob is surprised his creepy stalker fans find him there. He then flies to London to party with his friends and family leaving the oil slick home to do whatever it is she does. Suzie and trampire make their way thru the airport because they forgot that LAX has a VIP entrance. And the group of bandits are spotted walking the tubes. Last but def not least, the über private group decide to have a NYE party in a yurt which no one would have known if not for their ever faithful friends posting and deleting pictures on instagram.
So there you have it the year in Robsten fuckery brought to you by the letters I and F – irrelevant famewhores…….A big thank you to Rach for providing most of the detail 😉